


Sirius Black vs Lonlieness

by RedHeadedWoman



Series: 52 Stories in 52 Weeks [13]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 15:11:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6709930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedHeadedWoman/pseuds/RedHeadedWoman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black has been stuck in Azkaban for twelve years. </p>
<p>And fuck it's lonely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sirius Black vs Lonlieness

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt for this was a story about lonlieness.

Waves crashed against rocks, distant birds called, and a woman screamed. Sirius Black groaned and curled in on himself. He pressed his hands over his ears to block out the woman’s screaming but the noise seeped through his fingers. He growled low in his throat. Every day was the same locked in this hell hole. A rock in the middle of the fucking ocean.

Sirius shivered as a Dementor passed by his cell. He glanced at the bars. Sunlight never came to Azkaban. It seemed to skip over the place entirely and left Sirius languishing in the dark. Another Dementor floated past but this one paused and turned towards him. Sirius flinched and shut his eyes, focusing his mind on empty thoughts of Muggle fairy tales he’d read in another lifetime. The creature moved on.

Sirius forced himself to his feet and padded around the edges of his cell. It’d been almost twelve years since the Aurors threw him in here without trial or interview. Crouch hadn’t given him the chance and no one had come to help him. Not Remus, not Dumbledore. Not one of his friends came to him because they all believed the story. That he’d betrayed James and Lily to Voldemort and killed Peter.

He ran his fingers through his long hair, longer than he’d ever worn it, and pulled hard on the ends to wake himself up. Thinking about them wouldn’t help him and would draw the attention of the Dementors. Instead he focused on thoughts of his own innocence, on the absolute knowledge that he hadn’t done what he was imprisoned for.

He stopped at the small window set into the wall, with thick, enchanted bars to stop escape, and gazed out at the rough sea. It was his only view of the outside world which spun on without him. He could just see birds flying in the distance and could smell the ocean. The woman was still screaming somewhere in the bowels of the prison. The birds were calling to each other. If it wasn’t for his Animagus form, Sirius wouldn’t’ve been able to hear them. He honed in on the sounds of the calls, desperate to block out the screaming. Some other poor soul had joined in with her. Sirius squeezed his eyes closed.

_ I’m innocent. I didn’t hurt them. _

It had become his mantra over the years.  _ I am innocent. I did not hurt them _ . It was the only thing that had gotten him through since he’d been condemned to Azkaban. Nothing else mattered to him so much as those thoughts swirling through his head over and over again. In his darkest moments, Sirius had doubted that belief. Despite knowing in his heart of hearts, that he hadn’t betrayed James and Lily, he’d still doubted it. Doubted that he hadn’t inadvertently betrayed them somehow, in a small act or a misplaced word to the wrong person. It was ridiculous, of course. He’d have rather died than betrayed them for anything or anyone. Just as he’d have done for Remus and even for Peter, once upon a time.

The screams suddenly

increased as more people joined in. The sound echoed through the prison. Sirius covered his ears and pressed his forehead against the bars of the window. The screaming roused the Dementors and they began sucking souls.

Sirius fell to the ground, screaming, with Remus’ voice shouting at him to  _ get the fuck out! _ He clawed at his skin, gouging deep marks into his arms.

‘Innocent, innocent, innocent,’ Sirius muttered, drowning out the memories, the pain. He huffed out a deep breath and dug his nails into his arms to ground himself to the here and now. To ignore Remus’ voice in his head, to ignore the little voice in the back of his mind telling him he’d gotten them killed, that Remus despised him, that it was his fault Peter had betrayed them. He smacked his head against the wall to jar his mind back to reality. The hit worked, for however briefly, so began murmuring his mantra over and over.

‘I’m innocent. I didn’t hurt them.’ Sirius whimpered as blood dripped down his face and ran in rivulets along his arm. The blood fell to the floor, the red barely visible through the dirt and grime that covered the floor.

The screaming around him petered out and Sirius felt like he could breathe again. He lay on the filthy ground, breathing harshly, and trying to remind himself that he was innocent. That he had never hurt James or Lily. He wiped the blood off his face with the back of his hand as a tray of food was pushed through the slot in the bottom of the cell doors. The man who delivered food twice a day was the only human Sirius regularly saw. He was an older guy with a blank stare and a long scar marring his face. Sirius vaguely recognised him from the Ministry. He thought the guy worked in the Department of Mysteries but he wasn’t meant to speak to him. The guy never made eye contact or spoke.

Sirius pulled the tray towards him. A jug of clean water to replace the one from last night, some slabs of cold meat, bread and small goblet of orange juice. None of it looked appetising. Sirius wet his fingers and pressed them against the wound on his head. He lay like that for several minutes, wetting his fingers occasionally. When the wounds stopped bleeding, he sat up and pulled the tray closer. He ate slowly, relishing each disgusting bite. The bread was mostly stale, the meat coated in salt, and the juice oddly thick and pulpy. The water at least was cool and clean. He’d learnt long ago that he couldn’t shovel the food and drink down because it wouldn’t stay. It would come back up and Sirius would be worse off.

He sipped some water and used a little more to clean the blood off his arms and wash his wounds. He set the jug aside, safe from flailing limbs if he suffered another nightmare. He sat on his thin mattress and slowly sipped the juice, savouring the sweet taste despite the texture. Still, it was a reminder of home, of another life. Lily had constantly told Sirius off for sneaking juice to Harry when it was too early for him to have anything other than milk.

Sirius screwed his eyes shut and forced any thought of his godson from his mind. Any passing thoughts about Harry tended to bring the fucking Dementors down on him. The first time it’d happened, Sirius had been near comatose for a whole week, they’d taken so much essence from him. So he’d done his best not to think about Harry for twelve long years. And fuck it’d been hard. Harry had been everything to Sirius. To all of them really. Sirius had doted on Harry like nothing else and had always been happy to look after him for a few hours so James and Lily could have some time to themselves. Remus had usually joined him, mainly to make sure Sirius didn’t spoil the kid too much. But, fuck it, you know? Why shouldn’t he have spoiled his godson?

Harry had been an amazing kid. He’d rarely fussed, he’d slept well, eaten well. Lily had had a hard pregnancy, sure, but once the kid had arrived he’d been amazing. Lily had kept saying that she was waiting till he was older to decide if Harry was amazing or not. It had apparently all hinged on how much like James he’d turned out to be. Of course, Lily would never know now. Neither of them would never know that Harry was being raised by fucking Petunia and her bigot of a husband. Or that Sirius was being blamed for their deaths. They’d never know that Peter was a traitor or that Remus was virtually alone in the world.

Sirius groaned as a Dementor passed and picked up on his thoughts. Sirius curled on his side, back to the fucking thing, and focused on neutral thoughts. He ignored his mother’s  _ filthy mudblood lover  _ ringing in his ears as the Dementor took an interested suck on his soul. The cold washed through him, down to his bones.

‘Innocent, innocent. I didn’t hurt them. Not me.  _ Innocent _ .’ Sirius muttered to himself, shivering. The Dementor gave up on him and left him shaking on the mattress, juice spilling down his wrist. Sirius idly licked the juice off his skin, ignoring the taste. He couldn’t afford to ignore any food or drink, no matter how disgusting. It was one thing to lose his soul to the Dementors, it was something else entirely to die of starvation.

Thinking about Remus was dangerous for him as well. He either ended up pissed, hurt, happy, sad, or a combination of everything. It was almost as bad as thinkin’ about little Harry. Merlin only knew how either of them were doing. If they were healthy, happy, safe. Sirius knew for sure that Remus was neither healthy or safe. He was a werewolf, for fuck’s sake, and had a tendency to not look after himself near well enough. It’d always driven Sirius crazy that Remus just didn’t eat properly or get enough sleep.

The last time he’d seen Remus they’d fought something bad. Sirius had long suspected that Remus had started believing the crazy crap that the werewolves he’d infiltrated were spouting. Dumbledore had needed someone to get close to the group and Remus had been the perfect candidate. Sirius and James had both tried to talk him out of it, saying there had to be someone else they could trust. Lily had agreed with Remus and Dumbledore but she’d kept herself out of the arguments. When Sirius had last spoken to Remus, after Harry’s first birthday, Sirius had been a little drunk and had said some nasty things to the man he was meant to be in love with. Remus hadn’t exactly held back either but Sirius knew he’d royally fucked up.

They’d never had a chance to talk things out and fix it between them. He’d desperately wanted to but Remus obviously hadn’t. The fact that Sirius had outright told him that he’d told James and Lily not to use him as Secret Keeper hadn’t helped. Even when they’d seen each other, at Order meetings or at the Potter’s, they hadn’t spoke. Lily had been pissed with both of them and James had tried getting both of them to talk. Not fixing things with Remus was one of the biggest regrets in Sirius’ pathetic life. It was only trumped by convincing James and Lily to trust Peter with their secret.

Fucking hell, he was lonely.

He missed Lily, his sister. A woman who could scare the shit out of him if she needed to but who loved with all her heart. Who he’d loved like nothing else. He missed Evans and the stupid nickname she’d given him.  _ Snuffles _ . It was stupid but he’d secretly loved it. Loved that she’d given him a name that was just hers and no one else’s.

He missed little Harry, who’d be in his third year at Hogwarts soon. Who he’d known for a year before he’d stupidly left him with Hagrid to track Peter down. He missed Harry’s little laugh and the way he’d light up whenever he saw Sirius or Padfoot. The way he’d cling to Padfoot’s fur and just fall asleep leaning against him.

He missed James, Prongs, his brother, his best friend, his partner in crime. He’d never thought he’d be the one living without James. Living without the man who’d helped save him from his family and the fate they’d decided for him. He missed James like a limb. They’d been closer than brothers, closer than family, and living without his laughter, his stupid jokes, was painful. James who had never treated him differently for his family, though he’d had more cause than most. James had done everything for Sirius and vice versa. There’s nothing Sirius wouldn’t’ve done for his brother, nothing he wouldn’t have given for him. He’d have given his life for James and his family.

If he missed James like a limb, he missed Remus like his heart had been ripped from his chest. Remus who wouldn’t take his shit, who didn’t laugh at his dumb jokes. Gorgeous, amazing Remus who didn’t think he was worth the time. Remus who Sirius loved as easy as breathing. Sirius had hurt Remus, telling Snape where to find him, and Remus had found it in him to forgive Sirius and keptloving him. Remus had taken Sirius, knowing what he was, a womanizing idiot from a family of bigots and murderers, and had loved him still. Remus had been the one to pick Sirius up after everything with his family and helped him find his worth, the thing that made him who he was. Remus’ love was careful, quiet and gentle, which is why it’d taken Sirius so long to realise how the man felt. And how he felt for Remus. James had laughed at him for a solid five minutes when Sirius went to him. Lily had been worse. He’d betrayed Remus’ trust and he knew he could never win it back. He loved Remus with all his being, with everything he had to give and more, and missed him like his heart, like the sun. Sirius had betrayed the man he loved and he’d never have the chance to make things right.

In some small way, Sirius even missed Peter. The man he’d been before his betrayal. Kind beyond reason and smart. He’d been the first of them to manage the Animagus transformation and he’d never let them forget it. Peter had always been the follower, tagging along behind them as they raced off to their next prank, to their next adventure. He may not have always come up with the plans but he’d been more than happy to help see them through. Peter had never shied away from going toe-to-toe with him. Sirius couldn’t for the life of him work out where it’d gone wrong. In hindsight, he could probably pinpoint it to somewhere in the first months after they’d graduated Hogwarts. Peter had pulled away from them a little but none of them had thought much about it. How he’d escaped Sirius that day escaped him? The little fucker hadn’t died that day but no one had listened to him.

Sirius looked out the small cell window at the bright full moon. Remus was out there on his own somewhere. No doubt clawing into his own flesh, ripping open new wounds, old scars. Harry was probably asleep wherever his hopeless aunt and uncle deemed fit. Hopefully he was at least healthy and cared for. Sirius certainly hoped he was.

Sirius drunk some of his water and walked around his cell to keep himself moving and focused. He’d been lying down for hours and his body was aching more than usual for it. He came to bars of his cell and looked out, looping his arms through the bars, holding his own hands. He could just about imagine Remus or Harry holding his hand. Maybe even Lily or James. He stroked his thumb over the back of his hand, imagining Remus grinning at him as they walked through Hogsmeade.

‘What are you dreaming, cousin?’ Bellatrix asked from the opposite cell. She’d been moved there a couple days ago when she’d convinced another inmate to try escaping. It hadn’t ended well and their human guards and decided to move her somewhere else. It happened every few months.

‘Fuck off, dear Bella,’ Sirius said, his voice hoarse from underuse. Bellatrix was the only person he’d spoken to for months. It was better than nothing he supposed.

‘Come now, Sirius. We’re stuck here together till they take what’s left of our souls. Why not speak?’

‘Cause you’re insane.’ Sirius spat back, looking away from her. He couldn’t see any Dementors so he was hopefully free to think about Remus and his smile. The way his eyes crinkled when Sirius got him to let go and laugh loud and long. The way his breath would hitch when Sirius did something just right. The feel of his body under Sirius’ hands, the taste of him spilling over his tongue. The feel of Remus’ mouth on him, his neck, his cock, his hips. The way he’d cling to Sirius after the full moon, even before they were together.

‘What are you dreaming?’ Bella drawled. ‘Thinking of your filthy werewolf, cousin?’ Sirius ignored the obvious bait, clearing his head of all thoughts lest he draw the Dementors on them. ‘Maybe of the mudblood you got killed? Perhaps of the child? The Dark Lord will come back for them. He will rip the boy to pieces. Your werewolf whore too.’

‘Shut up!’ Sirius roared, despite himself. Bella cackled. ‘You fucking bitch.’ Sirius snapped and retreated back into his cell, away from Bella and the Dementors and his own mind.

Cold swept over him as the Dementors arrived. Bella screamed with fucking joy as they took from her. Sirius too screamed as they tried to drag his happiness from him. His joy, his memories, even his pain, the soul sucking demons. He screamed for the pain and the cold and his loneliness. For James and Lily who would never see their son grow and learn. For Harry who’d be without his loving parents and being stuck with family who will never understand him. He screamed for Remus, out on his own, and believing Sirius had killed James and Lily. He screamed and screamed till he lost all consciousness and let himself slip away.

…

Sirius had no idea who the fuck thought Fudge would make a good Minister. Still here he was, middle of Azkaban, wearing a fucking bowler hat.

Sirius had woken in the morning, drained and hungry. He’d moved about stiffly before a cold breakfast of ham, powdered eggs, juice, and bread came. He’d wolfed the whole lot down, chasing with the juice and the rest of last night’s water. He’d been feeling a little closer to human when a guard had come along and warned that the Minister was coming for his yearly visit. Fudge always came wearing the same hat, with several Aurors and Ministry officials surrounding him. Sirius made a point of being overly polite to the visiting officials, just to throw them off. Also for conversation with someone who wasn’t himself or completely fucking nuts. It was a break from the utter monotony of the place.

Fudge had stopped outside Sirius’ cell, staring at Bella who was putting on a nice show of insanity, spouting rubbish about the Dark Arts. Fudge and his posse were lapping it up.

‘Morning, Minister, Aurors,’ Sirius called out. Fudge jerked around to stare at him. Moody and Kingsley were the only Aurors Sirius recognised this year. Crouch, the slimy fuck, was with them. Sirius decided to ignore him.

‘Oh, ah, good. Good morning, Mr Black.’ Fudge stammered. Sirius nodded at him. ‘You’re, um, looking well?’ Fudge muttered. Sirius almost laughed at the idiot.

‘And you, Minister.’ Sirius said. Fudge nodded, shifting where he stood. Sirius caught a glimpse of the front page of  _ The Daily Prophet  _ and just made out a gaggle of redheads, no doubt Arthur and Molly and their brood. ‘I wonder, Minister, if I could borrow your paper? Awfully boring around here.’ Fudge considered him for a moment before turning to the others.

‘I don’t think it’s a good idea, Minister.’ Crouch said.

‘He’s not gonna break out with some paper, Crouch.’ Moody snapped, gruff as usual. Sirius’d always liked him. ‘Give ‘im the paper, Fudge, so we can get out of this place.’

‘Alright,’ Fudge nodded and edged closer to pass him the paper. Sirius kept his movements slow and careful as he took the paper and shook it out to read.

Arthur and Molly stood surrounded by seven kids, including a little girl. Sirius was glad Molly had gotten her girl finally. The youngest boy caught Sirius’ attention and at first he couldn’t work out why. There was nothing that especially stood out about him. He was Harry’s age, maybe even in the same House. Sirius scanned the article. It didn’t mention Harry which was a shame. The youngest kid was apparently Ron. Sirius looked back at the photograph just in time to see a rat shift on Ron’s shoulder. Sirius looked closer at the image.

‘Peter,’ he muttered. He’d recognise that rat anywhere. It was the same shape as Wormtail. Sirius could even just make out that the tip of his tail was a slightly different colour than the rest of him. ‘Hogwarts. He’s at Hogwarts. Harry. Motherfucker,’ Sirius snapped wrenching the paper through the bars.

‘Black?’ Moody stepped closer to the cage. ‘Who’s at Hogwarts?’

‘The fucking -’ Sirius screamed, his throat raw, staring down at that fucking rat. The betrayer was near Harry. Had been for two years already. He could kill. No. Fuck that.

Sirius could feel the Dementors coming, the cold seeping in, but he didn’t fucking care. Let them come. Harry was in danger from fucking Pettigrew. He was gonna get the fuck out and save his godson if it killed him. He’d find Remus, explain, get his help, maybe. Harry needed him. He was escaping and was gonna save Harry. No matter what these fuckers threw at him.


End file.
